Do you know what, I am totally sick of seeing people moaning about how other people use facebook, how other people think, what other people do and how they choose to live their life. Have I missed something or is there a set of rules that comes with facebook that I haven’t read. Something along the lines of how many times you can update your status and the list of things those statuses can be about? Or how many pictures you can put on and what those pictures can be of. So because I am so keen not to piss anybody off I need to check if I have this right …
1) So I have an alloted time of which is acceptable to spend on facebook … unless of course I am just stalking people and not saying anything then that is ok.
2) I cannot portray my life as being too happy otherwise people might thing I am either a) showing off b) being fake
3) I musn’t moan too much or it will come across as though I am a miserable bitch who doesn’t appreciate my life and that will be annoying too
4) I musn’t list too many pictures as it can annoy people. You know how distressing it can be to see pictures of happy children opening presents, so best to keep it to a minimum
5) Don’t list no photos – this can make people think that you have no life or that you are hiding something
6) Don’t express your feelings on facebook as fellow facebookers can get distressed and/or annoyed at your feelings. It can cause extreme upset to their lives once they are aware of how you feel about politics, death, life, jobs, professions, money, children etc. I mean how on earth are they supposed to go about their own lives once they know your views and feelings.
7) Don’t put pictures of food on – like ever. This can lead to human beings becoming very angry at your pictures. I am not sure why so won’t even try to explain it.
8) Don’t share music …. It can fill other facebookers mini feeds and therefore they might miss photos of other people’s children, photos of dinners or your status giving your condolesences over a celebrity death. They will be distressed at missing these things as they then won’t be able to moan about these things.
9) No pictures of breastfeeding – Pictures of breasts are fine as they are sexual objects and it is disgusting to think that men under the age of 18 would feel the need to suck on such objects.
10) No funny videos – We are not on facebook to laugh you know. It is purely somewhere we come to moan and stalk! The End
11) Absolutely no cryptic status updates. Despite the fact that in real life in conversations you can give as much or as little away as you like .. either with words, paralingustic features or the eyes … on here unless you are going to spill out every intrinsic detail .. don’t you dare say a word. Ensure that every status you write will be understood by every single person on your friends list (despite some of them knowing you in different realms e.g business, school friends, old relatives etc) then you must be sure to not write it. If you do this .. you are clearly an attention seeker and deserve to be tar and feathered and pulled through the streets naked by urban children on BMXs
12) Do not put photos on of piles of xmas presents. If you do .. it will be interpretated that you have simply spent your whole year working hard to pay for them, weeks spent buying them and days spent wrapping them all to show Susan who you used to go to school with who now lives in Norway that your kids are clearly more loved than hers. You may see it as a simple snap of your special xmas day that you would like to share with loved ones… but the people of facebook know better!
13) NO SELFIES – you vain nobbers! Why would you want photographic evidence of yourself! You have your memories, why do you need pictures. Do you think people have you on their friends list to see pictures of you? No they want to see pictures of your kids .. oh actually they don’t. Your dinner then …. oh no not that either …. I give up!
14) Do not repeatedly tag your self into venues… the tag feature is not there for you to tag yourself into!! It is for….. ermmmmmm… it’s just not for you to tag yourself into places OK.
15) Another reason you shouldn’t tag yourself into places (especially without your children) is because social services will have proof you don’t love your children. This is 2019 .. parents are not permitted to lives without children!
16) Also don’t ‘not’ tag yourself into places (confusing and contradictory I know), because people will then know that you don’t have a life and will presume that you are obsessed with your children because you never go anywhere!
Now I am sure I have missed out some rules on here, so if you spot anything let me know, as I would hate to get it wrong. I am so angry at Mark that he didn’t make these things clearer as it would stop me pissing so many people off an a daily basis.
Apologies guys .. I will now go back to working on something that I am not going to discuss with you incase you get angry or bored. Damn that is a rule broken isn’t it – cryptic status. I am no good at rules I tell you.
Peace out Miserable Turds!!!
It is so quirky, raw and original. She has a talent to transport me to a time and place I have never experienced. A very funny and talented writer.
Carol Bennett – Canada
Reading ‘The diary of an Ageing Sexual Adolescent’ was a blast from the past and while our musical tastes weren’t the same, our romantic interludes seemed to be. It will strike a note with most 1990s teens out there; the teeth smashing, the indiscriminate fancying of anyone and everyone, the straying into enemy territory in the pursuit of love, it’s all here. But what struck me the most was how the tone subtly changed, much like our heroine, as life and love played it’s wicked game with her. I read the last section through in one night, so desperate was I to know the outcome. A brave, honest and laugh out loud cringe fest coupled with the heart wrenching destruction of your ideals regarding love. A fab read, a definite buy.
Jaimee Beavers – UK
It’s Here ……………………..
The day that I have feared, anticipated, vomited over is finally upon me. I hope you enjoy my seeds my friends. Without you, I am nothing. Thank you for walking this lengthy journey by my side.
All my love,
Once upon a time, on a day you probably barely remember, I spilt to you, the news that I was working on a brand new series of books that would hopefully spread the laughter of this blog amongst the miles. Not one to compete with myself or my own blog, I decided to write a fictional story about a young girl trying to deal with life in all its true forms and brutal truth and not replicate the glorified versions of which currently adorn the bookshelves of Waterstones everywhere.
Now admittedly, my first agent informed me that nobody wanted to read about how shit it was to lose your virginity and nothing like the magical event we imagine it to be, how some girls find penises repulsive to look at, never mind touch and more importantly have no idea what to do with them. And they definitely would not like to read about a girl who LIKED TO HAVE SEX but was not always so keen on the relationship aspect. Apparently my protagonist would be classed as a flawed heroine, and not only was she unrealistic and readers would not be able to identify with her but people wouldn’t like her either. Funny that, I feel like I know so many ‘flawed heroines’ that apparently people would not like #wounded.
It got me thinking, do we all have such an amazing experience of adolescence, or are there a ridiculous amount of Shannons out there, but we just don’t talk about it. Even in 2018, is it still not acceptable to act/feel this way, simply because you are a woman? Now if you have followed this blog for some time, you will know, that I am not very good at positive portrayal and much prefer to spew out experiences of real life to the masses that also have no chance in hell of every experiencing a seemingly ‘normal’ life.
So it will be of no surprise to fill you in that, I wrote the fucking book anyway. And I am sure that it will also be of no surprise to know that I found this book writing experience a total fucking nightmare. Maybe you were with me at the beginning of this journey, like 2 FRIGGING YEARS AGO!!!
Maybe you were convinced by a riveting cover and engaging blurb to download this emerging author’s debut novel’s free chapters. And now many moons later, long after you have no doubt forgotten the juicy innards of Shannon Black’s life, the weary author has had the time to finally finish the story. Yay! Like any good story, the process has not been without an evil witch or two. The ‘time fairy’ stole all of the writer’s time and she was enforced by her wicked mentor to split her lengthy tale into a series of books, even requiring a scary title change. Eek!
But a happy ending is surely on its way, as I bring to you great tidings of a release date of the book that should never be released. It seem then that you can all judge for yourself, whether Shannon is indeed normal or if we should put her in the stocks at Chesterfield Market and lob rotting vegetation at her? On Friday 20th July, 2018, your inbox will be filled with a joyous invitation to purchase the final offerings of the completed debut novel, the first in the series, ‘The diary of an Ageing Sexual Adolescent – The Harsh and Brutal Truth of Firsts’.
If you cannot contain your excitement and eagerness to be the first in line to grab a sparkling copy for yourself, then fear not because you can grab the first four chapters completely free right here.
Following the release tomorrow, for a whole two long weeks, my new release will be available exclusively, digitally on amazon at the discounted price of £2.99!
If you are not the e-reader type, then don’t worry, the paperback is currently being prepared and will be released shortly after on Friday 27th July. Who needs a god damn fairy godmother or indeed a likeable, identifiable, not flawed heroine? Just give me sleeping children, silence, some bananas for energy and a brutally honest exploration of the trials and tribulations of ‘sexual adolescence’.
The ageing and exhausted writer would like to thank you from the bottom of her heart for your patience and most of all for being a part of her journey to becoming a writer. I only hope you enjoy reading about her journey as much as I enjoyed writing it. And if you are missing my blog posts as much as I am also missing writing them, then watch this space. As following spending every available second I have sleeping and drinking for the next few weeks, then I will happily get back to being a keyboard warrior. Oh do I have some stories to tell!
Wishing us all a happily ever after,
If you are recently contemplating your own early death as the only viable coping mechanism for parenting teenagers… then fear not!!! I am going to bring to you regular positive point prompts (from my new book) of why having teenagers is awesome. So let’s start right here:
1) No alarm clock needed on a weekend (saving both money and the annoyance of having to remember to set it). As a parent to teenagers you will be provided with the wonderful experience of waking up to the sound of your 16 year old daughter sobbing her eyes out screaming at her boyfriend down the phone probably due to spending the night at a party laying his tools to some pre teen who he has recently stacked up the streaks with. Thus having the added bonus of bringing back your own horrific memories of the purgatory that is adolescence.
But if you should be unfortunate enough to not be blessed with a raging hormonal and terribly unstable daughter, and only a zombified, full of rage son – then fear not … this positive point can still be applied to you! Ok .. so you may not get the petrified sobs full of separation anxiety but instead you will be awoken to the beautiful ringing of virtual frustration, violent threats and warbling over a lack of bullets not to mention a lack of co-operation from his ‘fucking retarded’ virtual team mates (clearly their words not mine).
Now …. if like me … you are pleasantly blessed with one child from each gender bracket, then imagine the joy of being awoken by the sublime ringing of both of the afore mentioned, simultaneously!!! Yes … simultaneously!!! There is nothing better than being dragged from your sleepy slumberous dream ( who wants Channing Tatum to school them anyway : / ) by two screaming banshees, from opposite ends of the tone bracket – making for quite a symphony sprinkled with profanities.
Ahhhhhhh … seriously this is living the motherhood dream. Get in on the action and create your own teenager today!!
Anybody else feel under immense pressure to post pictures of the sentimental beautiful messages that their children have written to them on this very special day? Or maybe Instagram the piles of thoughtful presents? Share details of days out or special moments shared with the fruits of your loins? Yeah of course you do! And should anybody say anything to the contrary, then they are simply being contrary for attention – right?
Well I must say that I did receive such lovely things …… from my 7 year old!!!! The teenager and pre teen barely notice I exist and certainly a day on the calendar labelled ‘Mother’s Day’ didn’t hold enough clout to change that! I will give it to them … they dutifully landed on my bed (after the husband had dragged them out of bed) with a card that they had been forced to sign. They reluctantly watched…
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Awwww an old fashioned advent!
There are not many perks to having teenagers, let’s just be honest for a minute. Although there will always be some twat reading this who frowns at their screen reminiscing of all their ‘Walton’ moments. Actually, now you have made me ponder it … there may be a couple! For example, having somebody to make you a cup of tea (or more likely witches piss), wash the pots occasionally (leaving clumps of sprouts still attached to the pan) and of course walk the dog (leave the garden and stand around the corner for 10 mins having a fag before they return, dog un-walked).
Anyway I suppose they have a mild level of usefulness but the perk I was particularly mulling over today, was the idea that at times they have the ability to propel us back to our own childhood and fill our heads with memories of days gone by. …
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Keeping with the festive feel of the season …. I wanted to bring you news of good tidings. Ok so I haven’t quite given birth to the Christ himself (but if I had, let me tell you: I would place him in a more suitable place than a god damn manger). But to me, these good tidings are akin to giving birth (metaphorically speaking). So here goes …. I have given birth to a …………………. new book!!!! Yes!! Now if you are a writer, you will understand that similarly to pregnancy, the weight of carrying around unfinished/unpublished work can be a nightmare. The symptoms are often the same: people always asking when it is out, the constant nausea of worry and (let’s be honest) always a little unsure of whether you will like it once it is finally out (or was that just me?).
Anyway so here it is. Unlike my usual works, this is a children’s book!! Yes, I know – check me out all prim and that! Believe it or not, I do have a softer side. And you will be pleased to know ….. yes I like this one. 🙂
This story is a celebration of the uniqueness of being ginger. How the 2% of the world’s population that are ginger have natural super powers that they aren’t often even themselves aware of!
So, if like me, you have a ginger or two: I am myself the maker of three gingers (maybe I am more godly than I first let on – bring me the manger after all), then this book is a lovely story for them to remind them of exactly why they need to proud of their heritage. Celebrate the red head in your life – regardless of age.
I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.
Happy Red Celebrations xx
So, you may or may not have noticed that I have been missing from the planet for a few months or more. Well the reason behind this is that I have been preparing my new book for release and I have the promo here for you in a bookfunnel promotion for you to grab!
Diary of an ageing twenty something is the first book in a trilogy exploring the hurdles of life for ‘Shannon Black’ . If you like ‘Bridget Jones’ then you need to get your hands on this trilogy. Think Bridget Jones covered in filth and you have got it. Immerse yourself in the free giveaway of ‘Diary of an Ageing Twenty something’ today and relive your own rollercoaster of adolescence!
I would also love it if you would leave me feedback (good or bad) and let me know your thoughts. Thank you for your support of my blog for all these years and I hope you enjoy my new offering : ).
All my love xx
My facebook newsfeed (I guess like yours) is full of a pure split of mood today. You have the kind of people who are stereotypical for New Years Eve – you know the ‘New Year, New Me’ people. And then the rebels, who find this tradition far too uncool and therefore have to take one of two approaches. The first being – ‘I will carry on being the same sassy twat that I have been in this year so travel on if you don’t like it’. And the ‘Well I know I won’t make it past two weeks of being ‘good’ so I will not even bother – be the real you’! So I guess the question is where do you and I lie? Well I have spent the last hour laid in bed (in my semi hungover, mouth like Gandhi’s flip-flops, exhausted but can’t sleep due to inebriation and I have an annoying huge human making difficult to breathe sounds scarily (and annoyingly) at the side of me) trying to decipher where I lie.I think it is fair to say that we all had dreams when we set out as teenagers, how many of us have actually acheived that life? Or how many of us even want to anymore? That said .. there are certainly some things I would have different if I had the chance:
- I would give my children away before they reached their teenage years thus saving me hours of anguish, frustration and my medication cupboard would be less full.
- I would run like a mother hubbard when my husband proposed so that potentially I will not have to turn Tom Hardy down when he convinces me that a night of his loving is all I need.
- I would have moisturised more. Or maybe that is going too far and I would have at least taken my make up off occasionally. Thinking about this .. maybe it is less distressing to the man who has to wake up next to me everyday to not have a stand in for Golem twisted by the side of him.
- I would have ditched my extreme determination of being a working mother and would have laid on the sofa more with my babies watching mind numbing TV before they turned into teenagers and laying on the sofa with them is only a fleeting figment of the past. Although admittedly, there is no part of me that pines to lay next either of my older kids now. Listening to my teenager daughters drivvle about who has just lost their virginity in the corner of a very packed party and now has found fame on snapchat or my son detail the latest streaming sensation that has just ‘invaded’ his channel and sent him subs (please don’t worry if you have no idea what that means – me neither – i just nod and say cool) is not my idea of bonding and I am not sure how else to do it if I am honest. Maybe I should just change point 4 to I would have no job so that I could actually have a shot at enjoying the years that I am blessed to walk this planet.
- I would remove my addiction to social media from my brain so that I could have been rolling in my millions by now lazing away the days on my yacht … instead of knowing what type of vegetable I would be in my next life, who my virtual soul mate is and how somebody’s kid in Cambodia was turned into a fish finger by aliens in their back garden.
- I would be younger and hotter. Ok so maybe this is taking things a step too far. I mean growing old is a gift isn’t it? but let’s not pretend that you enjoy watching your breasts get lower to the ground, your arms shake as you frantically point your kids to their bedrooms or the stark realisation that thanks to the branding team at 18-30 you are now officially labelled as too old to have fun! Why do I need to be hotter ? Because, I am still hoping that one day I will have to make the decision between my darling husband and Mr Hardy (see point 2).
- And it seems a compulsory requirement to mention my weight since it is New Years Eve. And I am not too cool to admit that I would do anything to address my ever-expanding waistline, chinline, leg breadth and gluteus maximus region. Is it even necessary to care about these things after 17 years of only ever waking up next to the same man, who knows the creases of every curve and loves you regardless (he is more concerned about my attitude than my cellulite if we are to delve into it). Well yes I believe it is, I am fast approaching the ‘needing two seats on a plane’, the ‘your not allowed on this rollercoaster’ and more importantly you have no clothes to wear so feel more comfortable in your pyjamas crew.
So there you have it. I wouldn’t change that much really. I would just be single, with no kids, living in the middle of the Pacific Ocean in solitary confinement whilst looking after myself sexually (as I would be unable to resist my very luscious body and smouldering good looks) And for days when I bored of myself …. there would always be Tom to call upon. I would be irresistibly intelligent due to all the time I indulged on myself … the draw back being, I would have no idea what quote best describes me or what planet Kanye West was taking over this week! Look we can’t have it all readers can we?
Whatever it is you want from life and whoever it is you want to be…. it is without judgement (unless you are one of those men that are living as a puppy in a silicone dalmatian suit or the kind of woman who loves such a man/hound) that in abundance, I cast in your direction heartfelt wishes and strength for your journey through this bumpy ride of life. May your year be carefree, fun, healthy and most of all happy.
All my love, the maker of the Gingers – Angelina xxx