2016 – Off you F ……

My facebook newsfeed (I guess like yours) is full of a pure split of mood today. You have the kind of people who are stereotypical for New Years Eve – you know the ‘New Year, New Me’ people. And then the rebels, who find this tradition far too uncool and therefore have to take one of two approaches. The first being – ‘I will carry on being the same sassy twat that I have been in this year so travel on if you don’t like it’.  And the ‘Well I know I won’t make it past two weeks of being ‘good’ so I will not even bother – be the real you’!   So I guess the question is where do you and I lie? Well I have spent the last hour laid in bed (in my semi hungover, mouth like Gandhi’s flip-flops, exhausted but can’t sleep due to inebriation and I have an annoying huge human making difficult to breathe sounds scarily (and annoyingly) at the side of me) trying to decipher where I lie.I think it is fair to say that we all had dreams when we set out as teenagers, how many of us have actually acheived that life? Or how many of us even want to anymore? That said .. there are certainly some things I would have different if I had the chance:

  1. I would give my children away before they reached their teenage years thus saving me hours of anguish, frustration and my medication cupboard would be less full.
  2. I would run like a mother hubbard when my husband proposed so that potentially I will not have to turn Tom Hardy down when he convinces me that a night of his loving is all I need.
  3. I would have moisturised more. Or maybe that is going too far and I would have at least taken my make up off occasionally. Thinking about this .. maybe it is less distressing to the man who has to wake up next to me everyday to not have a stand in for Golem twisted by the side of him.
  4. I would have ditched my extreme determination of being a working mother and would have laid on the sofa more with my babies watching mind numbing TV before they turned into teenagers and laying on the sofa with them is only a fleeting figment of the past. Although admittedly, there is no part of me that pines to lay next either of my older kids now. Listening to my teenager daughters drivvle about who has just lost their virginity in the corner of a very packed party and now has found fame on snapchat or my son detail the latest streaming sensation that has just ‘invaded’ his channel and sent him subs (please don’t worry if you have no idea what that means – me neither – i just nod and say cool) is not my idea of bonding and I am not sure how else to do it if I am honest. Maybe I should just change point 4 to I would have no job so that I could actually have a shot at enjoying the years that I am blessed to walk this planet.
  5. I would remove my addiction to social media from my brain so that I could have been rolling in my millions by now lazing away the days on my yacht … instead of knowing what type of vegetable I would be in my next life, who my virtual soul mate is and how somebody’s kid in Cambodia was turned into a fish finger by aliens in their back garden.
  6. I would be younger and hotter. Ok so maybe this is taking things a step too far. I mean growing old is a gift isn’t it? but let’s not pretend that you enjoy watching your breasts get lower to the ground, your arms shake as you frantically point your kids to their bedrooms or the stark realisation that thanks to the branding team at 18-30 you are now officially labelled as too old to have fun! Why do I need to be hotter ? Because, I am still hoping that one day I will have to make the decision between my darling husband and Mr Hardy (see point 2).
  7. And it seems a compulsory requirement to mention my weight since it is New Years Eve. And I am not too cool to admit that I would do anything to address my ever-expanding waistline, chinline, leg breadth and gluteus maximus region. Is it even necessary to care about these things after 17 years of only ever waking up next to the same man, who knows the creases of every curve and loves you regardless (he is more concerned about my attitude than my cellulite if we are to delve into it). Well yes I believe it is, I am fast approaching the ‘needing two seats on a plane’, the ‘your not allowed on this rollercoaster’ and more importantly you have no clothes to wear so feel more comfortable in your pyjamas crew.

So there you have it. I wouldn’t change that much really. I would just be single, with no kids, living in the middle of the Pacific Ocean in solitary confinement whilst looking after myself sexually (as I would be unable to resist my very luscious body and smouldering good looks) And for days when I bored of myself …. there would always be Tom to call upon.  I would be irresistibly intelligent due to all the time I indulged on myself … the draw back being, I would have no idea what quote best describes me or what planet Kanye West was taking over this week! Look we can’t have it all readers can we?

Whatever it is you want from life and whoever it is you want to be…. it is without judgement (unless you are one of those men that are living as a puppy in a silicone dalmatian suit or the kind of woman who loves such a man/hound) that in abundance, I cast in your direction heartfelt wishes and strength for your journey through this bumpy ride of life.  May your year be carefree, fun, healthy and most of all happy.

All my love, the maker of the Gingers – Angelina xxx

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One thought on “2016 – Off you F ……

  1. Charlotte Pridmore 11/05/2017 at 4:59 pm Reply

    Love this! You funny!! ❤️😀

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