The Secret Book of Facebook Etiquette

Do you know what, I am totally sick of seeing people moaning about how other people use facebook, how other people think, what other people do and how they choose to live their life. Have I missed something or is there a set of rules that comes with facebook that I haven’t read. Something along the lines of how many times you can update your status and the list of things those statuses can be about? Or how many pictures you can put on and what those pictures can be of. So because I am so keen not to piss anybody off I need to check if I have this right …
1) So I have an alloted time of which is acceptable to spend on facebook … unless of course I am just stalking people and not saying anything then that is ok.
2) I cannot portray my life as being too happy otherwise people might thing I am either a) showing off b) being fake
3) I musn’t moan too much or it will come across as though I am a miserable bitch who doesn’t appreciate my life and that will be annoying too
4) I musn’t list too many pictures as it can annoy people. You know how distressing it can be to see pictures of happy children opening presents, so best to keep it to a minimum
5) Don’t list no photos – this can make people think that you have no life or that you are hiding something
6) Don’t express your feelings on facebook as fellow facebookers can get distressed and/or annoyed at your feelings. It can cause extreme upset to their lives once they are aware of how you feel about politics, death, life, jobs, professions, money, children etc. I mean how on earth are they supposed to go about their own lives once they know your views and feelings.
7) Don’t put pictures of food on – like ever. This can lead to human beings becoming very angry at your pictures. I am not sure why so won’t even try to explain it.
8) Don’t share music …. It can fill other facebookers mini feeds and therefore they might miss photos of other people’s children, photos of dinners or your status giving your condolesences over a celebrity death. They will be distressed at missing these things as they then won’t be able to moan about these things.
9) No pictures of breastfeeding – Pictures of breasts are fine as they are sexual objects and it is disgusting to think that men under the age of 18 would feel the need to suck on such objects.
10) No funny videos – We are not on facebook to laugh you know. It is purely somewhere we come to moan and stalk! The End
11) Absolutely no cryptic status updates. Despite the fact that in real life in conversations you can give as much or as little away as you like .. either with words, paralingustic features or the eyes … on here unless you are going to spill out every intrinsic detail .. don’t you dare say a word. Ensure that every status you write will be understood by every single person on your friends list (despite some of them knowing you in different realms e.g business, school friends, old relatives etc) then you must be sure to not write it. If you do this .. you are clearly an attention seeker and deserve to be tar and feathered and pulled through the streets naked by urban children on BMXs
12) Do not put photos on of piles of xmas presents. If you do .. it will be interpretated that you have simply spent your whole year working hard to pay for them, weeks spent buying them and days spent wrapping them all to show Susan who you used to go to school with who now lives in Norway that your kids are clearly more loved than hers. You may see it as a simple snap of your special xmas day that you would like to share with loved ones… but the people of facebook know better!
13) NO SELFIES – you vain nobbers! Why would you want photographic evidence of yourself! You have your memories, why do you need pictures. Do you think people have you on their friends list to see pictures of you? No they want to see pictures of your kids .. oh actually they don’t. Your dinner then …. oh no not that either …. I give up!
14) Do not repeatedly tag your self into venues… the tag feature is not there for you to tag yourself into!! It is for….. ermmmmmm… it’s just not for you to tag yourself into places OK.
15) Another reason you shouldn’t tag yourself into places (especially without your children) is because social services will have proof you don’t love your children. This is 2019 .. parents are not permitted to lives without children!
16) Also don’t ‘not’ tag yourself into places (confusing and contradictory I know), because people will then know that you don’t have a life and will presume that you are obsessed with your children because you never go anywhere!

Now I am sure I have missed out some rules on here, so if you spot anything let me know, as I would hate to get it wrong. I am so angry at Mark that he didn’t make these things clearer as it would stop me pissing so many people off an a daily basis.

Apologies guys .. I will now go back to working on something that I am not going to discuss with you incase you get angry or bored. Damn that is a rule broken isn’t it – cryptic status. I am no good at rules I tell you.
Peace out Miserable Turds!!!

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